‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
by Clement Clarke Moore with Small Assist from Nutella Yum
the night before Christmas at Try My Nuts store;
Not a fixture was stirring, not even the door.
The t-shirts were hung by the hot sauce with care,
In hopes that The Nutman soon would be there.
The peanuts were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nutella danced in their heads;
With Ma’ in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
We had just settled down for a long winter’s nap
When out in the store, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the front I flew like a flash.
I tore open the door, and tripped over the Trash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature minion, and eight tiny reindeer droppings.
With nuts in hand and a Butt Munch can,
I knew in a moment it must be The Nutman!
Hotter than wasabi sauce his nut fans appeared,
And he whistled, and shouted, and sometimes jeered:
"Now, PECANS! now, PEANUTS! now, PRALINES and BRITTLE!
On, CASHEWS! on ALMONDS! & PEPITAS SO LITTLE!
To the top of the store! to the fiery wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the hurricane fly,
When met with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the Wall of Fire they flew,
With Dirty White Trash, and the Nutman too.
He was dressed in a Onesie
from shoulders to nuts,
And his hands were all sticky from Buffalo Nuts;
A bundle of jerky he’d flung on his back,
He looked like a Ghost Pepper with an A** Kickin’ 9-Pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like Barnacles, his nose like a cherry!
His drooling little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
The confection on his chin was as white as snow.
A Mini Pretzel was held tight in his teeth,
And a ring of chocolate wrapped his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old nut,
And I laughed when I saw him; it shook my gut!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He was in his element, just doing his work,
Filling the store shelves until with a jerk,
He lay his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, out of sight he arose.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he disappear’d from sight:
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!